But she wouldnt believe me, apparently. This is why if you give reassurance, even once, your child will keep asking until he or she gets it. What Does It Mean When Your Boyfriend Asks if We Are "OK" All the Time? I have indeed cooled down and I will definitely take the Im concerned track. More than once as an adult, I found myself as the mocked one in a regular social group with really no idea how I got into that role, and no idea how to get out of it. I dont mean this to sound as if youre tattling on her, but as her spouse I would hope hed be interested in finding out she has a problem and helping her get the help she needs. I know you already have a ton of responses, but I hope you wont mind one more, because I have something to add which I dont think has been touched on yet. But he will ask if I'm ok at least 10 times an hour. But I do think my inability/refusal/personal boundary setting makes them feel self conscious. Im SERIOUSLY okay, Youre SERIOUSLY okay. But I did it! This is basically the script that stopped me from ruining all of my relationships with introverts. If I persist and ask enough times, eventually I will get the reassurance . Then it gets really wearing, and eventually you realise its not reciprocal and that its not that they like you that much its just that they want things and you were the one who responded. To me, at a gut level, it does feel like the sort of question a very-drunk person will fixate on. *not wanting to get trapped in mean girling = good sign there. As Jennifer notes, this might just feel like too much drama around someone you dont much like anyway, and its perfectly within your rights to simply step back from the situation and disengage a little (or a lot). She doesnt sound uncaring to me, she sounds pardonably exasperated. And its tougher to pull back when your kids have now gotten really attached to their kids. I heard are you OK as code for why are you not drinking?. DF: Lets go drinking! http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2011/1/16/how-to-answer-the-question-whats-bothering-you.html. Oh gosh is she mad over [trivial thing]? That you describe her as socially delicate reinforces this idea. It just means Im not as talkative as the people around me. We had cocktails for the train ride into the city, I had one. Advice? He can be the judge if theres something more to this. I think what Sara was suggesting is that the tone of your letter came across as frustrated and over the Delicate Flower routine, and even aside from the weird Are You OK? The invitation to get drunk is an invitation to use booze as an excuse to say things she cant otherwise say. that she is displeased with their behaviour. Which shuts people up, hilariously, to be told that Im adequate, Also a sufferer. Saying that she needed a day off life and then getting plastered and asking for tons of reassurance (because YOU were reassuring HER, even though she was ostensibly asking how you were doing) sounds like theres something big going on in her life/in her head. And to those commenting on her nickname: SHE uses it, to say things like, Oh, you know DF cant go there because it will be too loud which I totally get because I can be introverted in the same way. But, it did take some time/negotiating and openness on both of our parts, as well as us valuing the friendship enough to want to work through it. Ive had friends like that who have to have everything be about them and are not at all shy about asking for all sorts of stuff. This doesnt directly have to do with the question, but I feel compelled to note that, in my experience, this is very gendered behavior. He always asks me if I'm "ok" whenever we hangout? If Your Partner Does These 23 Things, They Aren't Over Their Ex - Bustle She needs help, like of the professional kind, because right now her Jerkbrain is telling her that if everyone isnt smiley and thrilled and happy all the time, they hate her and the situation is awful and terrible. Whether shes suffering from addiction or not, theres certainly something going on with her and, although her behaviour on this occasion was pretty irritating, if the LW felt like taking her aside and seeing if she could do with some help, that would be a kind thing to do. LW: Wow, I had no idea! Its OK not to like someone, and to keep interactions disengaged accordingly. Partner Keeping You Awake? Theyre probably the same people who think vegetarians are attacking their lifestyle choices simply by not eating meat around them. She may deny it or say shes just concerned about you. 20 Signs of a Controlling Partner | Psychology Today It really is. Long-time reader, first question. Because change is unsettling, and youve noted that the friends you have now have characteristics that you recognise as seeking out because theyre like the people you had around you in former, unhealthier times, so, really, you getting healthier is going to shake things up. You keep your feelings to yourself when you're upset with your partner. Although it isnt YOUR responsibility to make sure SHE is okay, you could maybe check with her. Yeah, my partner and I (both Doctor Who fans) tend to do exactly one round of Are you actually fine, or special Time Lord fine?* And if its the latter, with no explanation of whats going on, the answer is always Oof, sorry to hear it. But is she making efforts to address them and ease how much work you guys have to do? I have felt the impulse to do this, and I have seen friends of mine behave this way. How are you feeling now?. DF: Lets go drinking! Or maybe theyre hungry, or need to leave in an hour but they can say so. I am from an urban Midwest area, very progressive and liberal, very open and direct. People underestimate how much normal activities with people can help when other not-okay things are happening. . No pure image posts. Stop asking me if I'm okay. I was literally making up bogus complaints just so I wouldnt be accused of lying. I also cant drink much (thanks, health condition that affects my blood pressure, plus incompatible meds! That is so much what I am experiencing and not articulating very well! Lately Im trying to let go of some of this, and just relax and enjoy situations and trust my friends to be grown-ups themselves. June 27, 2021 Just because two people have broken up doesn't mean they've both made their peace with it and moved on. ), but when I do get questions I find that people are pretty understanding if I say, It triggers nasty migraines. In my case thats true, but even if its not the case for you it might be a useful lie if you arent comfortable sharing your actual health information, especially with people you dont know well. This is my fate in life. I told her, Yes, Im okay, but stop asking me. When her husband (!!) campaign you sound dismissive of her (totally understandably!). I feel for you here, that kind of behavior absolutely makes me see red. He keeps asking me if I'm doing alright or if I need anything from him every time he sees me. It would piss me off too. It makes me feel as if I did something wrong, but I haven't been called into his office or anything. He's opened my eyes to so much about my toxic family and helped me feel like I can breath when I'm with him. WE DID EVERY SINGLE THING SHE WANTED to do (the mutual friend and I are natives to this city, she is a transplant) and pulled out all the stops of what SHE REQUESTED and INSISTED upon.. No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. Still, thats something Ive only experienced from randoms at parties, not people who know me. and our I know there have been times in my life when Ive gone to play games precisely because I had things outside the game that I was trying hard not to think about. And of course the more she asked the more annoyed you became and the more there was to pick up on, Dont get me wrong it sounds like your annoyance was perfectly reasonable. After telling him for the fifth time I am not cranky, I change my answer to, I wasnt cranky but I am sure getting that way. LW, if you really want to get to the bottom of this, you might go to DF and say something like, You know, I think I might have missed some signals you were sending me the other day. I had a friend who used to do that. A guy coworker keeps asking if I'm ok? - GirlsAskGuys Ask open-ended, nonjudgmental questions. I wanted to go because a dear friend is the head of this wonderful organization and I wanted to support her, so did DF. Agreed with all of this! Part of the tricky thing is, other, not nice people, call people things like that, and theyre using the nickname as a weapon. When he kept asking, are you sure? [Translation: Why are you being like this? WTF is going on with you constantly asking me this?. no really? after my husband died werewell, they would have been way more annoying if I had been more with it. LW: Sure! By my early 30s, I felt pretty good about my ability to find friends whose friendship style was compatible with mine, and got pretty good at avoiding people who put up obvious red flags. We did text again in the evening, but I woke up this morning to "is everything okay between us?". But it mostly doesnt. DFs husband also seems to be an RO; his Are you okay/ probably translates to I know you and DF had a bit of a falling out yesterday. (OTOH, I do think that I have good things to bring to friendships and relationships, and Im always glad when my friends are willing to put up with some amount of wheelchair-wrangling or drink-fetching, in exchange for sharing my company at an event. Anxiety kind of runs in my family. Im a person who cant drink as much as I used to (medical reasons), and Ive found that some people take it very personally when they are drinking around me, and I stop at one or two drinks. Giphy. Rather than insist I was ok, I said Why do you ask? Thank you, ashbet, for your compassionate answer! I am the only one who has ever gotten any treatment for it. You are awesome. You know I'm not. Some of us are going to an outdoor concert and would love it if you could join! She needs another nap, apparently. My anxiety can really act up in these situations, and I become convinced they are mad at me. Even if he/she set off possibly intending to have a fair few drinks and then got there and realized they werent feeling it. Or maybe she is able to rebalance somewhat. Well, in LWs shoes I think I might feel like Id already tried really hard to meet Friends needs, dropping everything, making childcare arrangements and heading out for Friends perfect afternoon of doing whatever she wanted. And this can never be said enough, especially if youve been trained to out up with outrageous behavior in your familyno matter what!its always amazing to hear that there is *actually* another option!! Really good to keep in mind. I know I am late to the party here. Im just tossing this out there, because from skimming the comments I havent seen anybody touch on it: if someone whos known to be a bit of a Delicate Flower is asking you if YOURE okay, sometimes its a sign that THEY are not okay and want you to reciprocate the inquiry. Thats all well and good, but you have to leave room for the possibility that your instinct/gut feeling about how someone REALLY feels deep down beneath their social martyr who is valiantly suffering appearance could be wrong, and repeatedly not taking someones Im fine for the truth can feel to the other person like you do not believe them or trust them at their word. OCD Reassurance Seeking: Why It's Harmful and How to Deal - Verywell Mind If she needs a therapist, she can pay for one. Trying to be the real-feelings-whisperer can go awry. Shes a big girl and Ill give her space until such time as she decides to bring it up (or gets over it on her own). My [25 F] girlfriend keeps asking 'are things okay?', which - Reddit What I just quoted is how I know that actually, theyre not as concerned with me as with their inner selves. Is it a bad sign if he keeps asking that I'm ok at this point? And I generally answer, Yes, Im fine, Im having a great time listening to the music/cuddling this baby/playing this board game/whatever., After about the third time they ask me, I start answering with, Well, I was. Some people just refuse to stop being the social martyr and valiantly suffering in silence until you get right up in their face. ], If DF really is an RO, LWs last remark was a verbal slap in the face. I have an amazing therapist who is helping me on my end, to learn how to see and heed the red flags of immaturity and Mean Girl stuff. Did [that situation you were talking about] improve? She laughs, we laugh, she says it fits her to a T. Then, something happened this past weekend that is not so funny. I really appreciate the support. "I'm going to need some time." We'd just finished the second round of a breakup talk at the end of a relationship that. DF: Well . I think the insight about differing communication cultures is super valuable, but would just like to add one important clarifying point for this specific situation: Even if there were expectations on one side or the other, you do not have to match a drunk friend drink for drink in order to be a sympathetic friend. I agree with the last paragraph, only I am a lot meaner. I dont know if this is helpful at all, but I thought it might be a useful way of framing the situation. Sometimes tapping out is the best thing to do. Theres times when an empathetic friend will reach out, and when someone wants to be asked more than once, and wants to know for sure that youre really receptive to a full answer. Thank you for such a well-nuanced answer. This means that anyone who is not talking much, not drinking much, not as enthusiastic about whatever items/activity WILL be targeted with an are you okay? and will likely receive more of them if they dont up their participation to her satisfaction. After I had kids, I was so hungry for friends for my kids that I let a few terrible choices for parent friends get way too close before I realized how far in I was. After she told me i stopped asking her lol. In the endI dont know if theres an escape from that, but for all the mockers/teasers out there, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF IF SOMEONE ASKS. That is A-Okay. ! and pulling something like that. You made her take a whole afternoon out of her life to spend it with you doing things that you like and shes not even enjoying herself look shes only had one drink etc. By this point, as you can imagine, I was finally NOT okay. I am not a shy person, but seriously, its not easy walking into a fancy event where you dont know anyone and striking up conversation with strangers. Best wishes, and YEAH, Id have been first bewildered and then annoyed, just as you are! Like, really? The friend acted more concerned about LWs okayness (for no reason) than grateful. CEO, Esposito CEO2CEO, LLC. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Its not my own preferred way of handling alcohol, and I have occassionally found it stressful to be in the middle of these heavy drinking situations, but most of the friends Im thinking of were and are basically happy and functional people. He then asked me if Id like to come suck his . Very kindly put. Shakespeares plays as three-panel comics, Jess Zimmermans great piece on women & midlife crises, probably the best picture Ive ever taken, http://doctorwho.tumblr.com/post/21450780844/is-all-right-special-time-lord-code-for-really, http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2014/9/7/how-to-handle-someone-who-wants-to-know-whats-bothering-you.html, http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2011/1/16/how-to-answer-the-question-whats-bothering-you.html, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. A soft way of asking if we could remain friends. So, if she is really asking are we okay? then perhaps saying yes isnt quite the whole truth. Like, simultaneously guilty and defensive about it. LW isnt the sad-friend whisperer, she was doing her best. Im laughing wryly here, because I call MYSELF a Delicate Flower on occasion but, in my case, its a major medical condition that requires wheelchair access and temperature control and various other accommodations, so I try to be flexible about my friends needs, and I want to make sure that they *arent* in situations where theyre going to get resentful if I need to head back to the car or if Im having major pain and need to stop for a while. How to Ask if Everything Is OK When It's Clearly Not Lately my friends and I had a really fun time out somewhere, then on the way back my best friend got super quiet and seemed not OK. That is, my feeling that everything is centred on how Ive fucked up, tells me that other people are actually centred on themselves. LW: Yep, Im fine! Redirect her questions back to her. 2 days of "and the lord heard me - i have my answers" || nsppd || 6th july 2023 Or have they blessedly died out at last? Im just thinking. I dont know what she needs help *with* specifically thatd be armchair diagnosing, and Im not a doctor but long-running problems like this seem to be in the domain of therapists and psychiatrists. [* I agree with everyone else that Delicate Flower may be a name that is not helpful right now if you are genuinely feeling a bit annoyed with her Delicate Flowerness. The compulsion often goes up when levels of distress are high and/or when the person feels unable to tolerate uncertainty. 1. Benefits of masturbating in a relationship. Just a joke! Hi LW, I dont know if this will help you, but I accidentally discovered a tactic to get people to stop asking this question. Signs You're a Bad Partner Even If You Think You Aren't - Insider I got the same sense the Capn did about LWs lack of affection for this person. For example, yesterday was a busy day in work after a few days off, I did text during the afternoon and we spoke on the phone later in the evening. Now, its your call which, if any, of these issues you want to raise with the friend and try to resolve. Okay, so the way this interaction is described is making my Spidey-sense tingle: among other problems, I think LW and DF are talking past one another. Ive gotten fed up with people in my own life for never trusting that the answer I give them the first time is the truth. but i think now is either a time to reel that shit in before it gets hurtful or take a step back an reevaluate. But I dont have enough time in my life for the people I really like and want to support. This is so true. This is when she started asking, Are you ok? She asked me over and over again. The patients would say the staff doesnt care about my condition, the personnel would say we ask every time we see them. The solution was Hows your pain this morning? and Are you nauseated still? etc, rather than How are you? Are you ok? Because Im fine wasnt the right answer. They blur into each other. DF: Are you okay? I was super annoyed when I wrote in. tl;dr: GF who suffers from anxiety asks occasionally 'are we okay' makes me anxious about our relationship. DFs views are very strict: homosexuality/same sex marriage is against the bible, God and is immoral and should never be legalized; guns are great and everyone should have one to protect their families; she says racist things and when I say, hey, now she laughs (She race-baited a few times that dayas she usually does when she drinks like when I gave money to a woman who took our picture with my phone: Where Im from, people dont ask for money, they just do things out of the kindness of their heart, To which we replied, yes, but this is how she earns money because as she said, she lives in a shelter for abused women. Oh, I highly doubt that.). We had a great afternoon in the city, though! and then I looked over at my husband and my friend was ASKING HIM, was LW okay yesterday? to which he relied, YES! Plus, it sounds really really unconvincing if youre saying it through your teeth while a vein pulses in your temple. One incidence (especially in a time of stress) doesnt mean that its a problem in her life. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Its frustrating, and its a real good way to drive a wedge between themselves and the person theyre not trusting for their word. Reddit, Inc. 2023. To me it's mind boggling I'm even having to ask for something that basic which takes 30 seconds tops, but to him it never seems to cross his mind. maybe they arent fine but they dont think that youre a close enough friend to want to discuss it with you? Its like That Person, only theyre poking at your actual brain. Basically: I grew up with horrible siblings in a very challenge family situation and I keep re-meeting them in friends. 02-06-2018, 08:17 AM nybklyn : 3,404 posts, read 3,383,301 times Reputation: 3727. I really, really do not like triangulation or indirect communication, it makes me very uncomfortable. So your partner doesn't want you to end up thinking you're fat, by telling you that you're fat? 2) You sound like you might be in the Aggressively Healthier phase of therapy. My partner keeps telling me I'm fat. Is it really for my own sake? Youre giving up some of that tight friend behavior that ensnarls you in this relationship. Because it was like, Id be looking out the car window thinking how pretty the weather was and hed go are you mad? Me: No! My first impression with the repeated Are you okay?s was that she wanted you to ask her back. Then you can step out. After awhile, I start to hear are you ok as you are doing something that is not OK with me. Asking. I would just say speak to him, explain it twice . A controlling partner typically feels that they have the right to know more than they actually do. For more information, please see our Combined with the alcohol, that might manifest as constantly asking if you are ok (a.k.a. Yes, my potential addict alarm bell was going off here too. Has it happened more than that one time? My guess is he's doing it subconsciously as a conversation starter because an abundance of silence from someone else is a sign, somehow, to him, of discontentment. I think I stuck with it because she was always arranging for us to meet and I wasnt quite sure how to say no and sometimes felt a bit lonely and like socialising might be a good thing. All rights reserved. It took me a while to realize that these people, my daughters friends parents, can be a new category of friend. If you dont feel that you can have that frank conversation with her, then backing off a little and resetting the friendship at something a bit more distanced is OK too. Id dial down the friendship if you need to without guilt. I really was ok before the constant questions, youre exactly right! Orrrrr. And if the truth turns out to be that one of their loved ones is in ICU after a serious accident and not expected to pull through what exactly do you do to help them get through the night once youre wrecked their carefully-cultivated calm? "Do You Still Love Me? No, Really?" - Psychology Today So I hung up. He has social anxiety, and Im an extroverted social butterfly, so I want to check in to make sure hes not getting oversaturated but I also need to have faith that hell speak up if he needs something.). There have been a few times when Ive been convinced something is bugging a friend where, looking back, it was probably 10% the friend being marginally more distracted/tired/spacey than normal and 90% ME being more tired, distracted, or stressed than usual, with a side helping of me manufacturing ways I might have upset them. How can I politely tell my boss to stop asking if I'm ok? [Repeat until they arrive at the station.] I have the calmness now to do just that. For reprint and licensing requests for . And/Or its just something going on totally unrelated and theres nothing they can do but ride it out. Theres definitely a type of person who comes on strong like this right from the start, and at first it can feel really flattering because they must really like and trust you if theyre sharing so much of their life and asking for your support! Everyday my boss goes around and asks how everyone is doing. She was whining to me and another mutual friend about how she couldnt get out of bed, she NEEDED a day off of life and to go downtown and have an impromptu, fun, frivolous afternoon. [Translation: I am deliberately refusing to understand or respond to what youre *really* saying.] Your situation feels familiar to me, at least from the point of being bewildered that adult friendships should still be this way so many years after adolescence and Why Cant It Just Be Easier. I was going to suggest something like this.

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